Green Meanie
by nirvanah
Summary: It's green... and it's mean! This is my first fanfic, so let me know what you think guys!


**Disclaimer:**I've got nothing to do with them. What happens if I do?

**Author's Note:** This is my first fanfic so don't be too mean, people!

**Green Meanie**

"Lister, Lister!" Arnold J Rimmer marched into the sleeping quarters, yelling his room- 'mates' name.

Dave Lister who was sprawled out on his bunk, a laager in one hand and a magazine in the other, looked up vaguely at the hard-light hologram who stood in the doorway, "Mmm?" he grunted.

"Have you been eating in here again?" Rimmer wrinkled his nose.

"No," Lister shook his head.

"Oh please," Rimmer rolled his eyes, "You've got 'liar' scrawled all over your face. Are you really expecting me to believe that? Are you seriously telling me that you thought I'd believe that the air freshener is kippers vindaloo?"

Lister had already lost interest and had gone back to reading his magazine.

"And this…" Rimmer came into the room and kicked a laager can, "This…" he threw one of Lister's magazines off his bunk, "And these…" he pointed at the dirty socks strewn around the room, "Which I daren't touch with a ten foot pole,"

"Yeah…" Lister mumbled, not listening to a word Rimmer was saying, "Right…"

"You're not listening to a single smegging word are you?"

"Mmm…" …still not listening…

"Anyway, that's not what I came in here for. I came in here to tell you that we're taking that orb thing back to the derelict,"

"WHAT?" Lister sat up abruptly. The laager, which he had had resting on his stomach, clattered to the floor and spilt over the magazine Rimmer had thrown down there. He dived down and picked it up, "Smeg Rimmer!"

Rimmer grinned, satisfied with Lister's reaction, "Don't you 'smeg Rimmer' me. That orb has been nothing but trouble ever since we- no, correction- _you_ brought it onboard."

"No it hasn't," Lister said, dropping the soaked magazine on the table and downing what was left of the laager, "Okay, so there was a slight mishap last Thursday but that's all,"

"Er, that was enough if you ask me," Rimmer replied, raising his eyebrows.

They had found the emerald orb on a derelict two weeks ago. At first, they hadn't known what it did, until last Thursday, when…

_**Lister sat in the quarantine section idly tossing the orb from hand to hand.**_

"_**Lister put that down before you do serious damage!" Rimmer snapped. He was getting rather worked up, had been shouting at Lister for the last five minutes, trying to get him to put the orb back in the quarantine room, "Put, it, BACK!!"**_

"_**Calm down Rimmer," Lister grinned and then pretended to drop it and caught it with one hand, "Whoops,"**_

_**Tight-lipped, Rimmer pointed a finger at Lister, "You're a nasty smegging little smegger, aren't you?"**_

_**Lister laughed, "Honestly Rimmer, you're like a wet weekend in Grimsby,"**_

_**Just then, the orb started to glow. A strange green light began to swirl around inside it.**_

"_**See, I told you!" Rimmer backed away.**_

_**Lister stared at it, agog, "Smeg…what is that, a twister?"**_

_**That's when it happened. A great crack of lighting shook the whole ship, and it began to pour with rain.**_

"_**What have you done?" Rimmer cowered in the corner.**_

"_**Nothin'!" Lister cried, over the wind and hail.**_

"_**Quick!" Holly shouted, "Get in the drive room!"**_

_**Lister, still holding the orb under one arm, charged out of the room with Rimmer behind him. It was raining throughout the ship, horizontal rain, and the wind got so bad it blew them down the corridor. They struggled up and battled their way to the drive room.**_

"_**Oh my heavens! Are you alright sirs?" Kryten asked, as Lister and Rimmer tumbled into the room and collapsed in their seats.**_

"_**We've been pelted with hail stones, drenched right through to the very core, propelled down the corridor, but yes we're tickety-boo Kryten!" Rimmer gasped.**_

"_**Kryties, where's the Cat?" Lister asked. The rain poured down on them still, but luckily, they were protected from the wind. It rattled the doors.**_

"_**He's still outside sir-" Kryten was interrupted because the door opened and everyone cringed as the wind hurled in.**_

"_**Wet!" Cat cried, sinking down in his chair. His hair was very untidy and stuck to the side of his face, "I hate getting wet! Look what it's done to my hair! And as for my suits, my poor suits… they've been blown as far as the landing gantry! It's gonna take me a week to untangle my hair and another to find my suits!"**_

"_**Look, your suits are the last thing we need to worry about at the moment," Rimmer said to him.**_

"_**That's easy for you to say Tunnel Nostrils!"**_

_**Rimmer gave him a look, "Holly have you any idea what's going on?"**_

"_**Yes," she replied, "It raining,"**_

"_**Well thank you very much," Rimmer grunted, "That really helps,"**_

"_**I think I did it," Lister said. Cat was desperately brushing his hair in the background, "I was holding this when I started talking about rain and the swirling light inside reminded me of a twister, and then this happened,"**_

"_**I told you Lister, didn't I? I told you do not go and take it out of quarantine and what did you do? Take it out of quarantine and create absolute anarchy,"**_

"_**Don't worry everyone, it seems like the problem can be easily remedied," Kryten announced, "All you have to do mister Lister is reverse your thoughts,"**_

"_**Can you reverse my hair too?" Cat asked, still brushing it.**_

"_**Er, no sir…"**_

"_**So," Lister began to toss the orb from hand to hand again. Rimmer watched him warily, "All I have to do is sort of imagine the twister disappearing?"**_

"_**Exactly sir,"**_

"_**Seems easy enough," Lister nodded, "All we need is complete silen-" The last of his sentence was drowned out because Cat started the hair dryer.**_

"_**Cat man!"**_

"_**What?" he stopped, hair dryer in hand.**_

"_**I need silence man,"**_

"_**And I need to dry my hair!"**_

_**Rimmer made a low, irritated noise, "God he's galling…Look you goit, we need silence so Lister can think and we don't all get killed by a twist- a great big swirly thing,"**_

"_**And I need to dry my hair so I don't die of shame," Cat replied, "So for me if I stay in here and don't dry my hair I'm dead and if I go outside and don't dry my hair I'm still dead,"**_

_**Rimmer rolled his eyes. He and Cat began to argue.**_

_**Lister rested the orb on his lap and clapped his hands over his ears. Seconds later, there was silence.**_

_**Cat and Rimmer stopped yelling at each other.**_

"_**It worked," Rimmer said.**_

"_**Brutal…" Lister looked down at the orb.**_

"_**Well it looks alright out there," Holly said, "I'll open the doors,"**_

"_**Right get that thing out of here and put it in quarantine," Rimmer ordered.**_

"_**Don't worry Rimmer, I'm going, I'm going," Lister said, getting up.**_

"_**Hey," Cat called, "Can I dry my hair now?"**_

Therefore, the orb had stayed in quarantine since then.

"Rimmer, this thing could be the answer to all our prayers," Lister said, getting up, "It creates whatever we think of-"

"You don't know that," Rimmer replied, "It only happened once. It's not even proved,"

"Fine, I'll go and prove it then," Lister left the room before Rimmer could stop him.

"Lister!" he yelled after his roommate, "Don't you go down there! You swore you wouldn't take that thing out of quarantine!"

"I changed me mind!" Lister called back.

When Rimmer finally reached the quarantine section, Lister was tucking into a chicken vindaloo.

"Where on Io did you get that?"

"From this," Lister wiped his hands on his jacket and picked up the orb that he had lazily placed beside him, "It's the best one I've had in ages," he put the orb down again and dived back into the vindaloo, "See…" he mumbled, "I told you so,"

Rimmer looked from Lister to the orb in disdain, "You know what? I give up. When something indescribably awful happens, don't come running to me, Listy. You made the bed, you lie in it,"

"Ah," Lister grinned, "I know what yer gonna do. Your gonna wait till nobody's looking and then have a go yerself,"

"Lister that is not one of those money cheating arcade games you find in a backstreet pub. You don't just 'have a go' on it. It's some weird alien device that's far too advanced for the human mind,"

"If ya ask me, I'd say it were a portable takeaway,"

"Have it your way," Rimmer said, folding his arms, "Keep it," he turned to leave, "But when it gets out of hand we're dumping it," he said over his shoulder.

"You mean _if _it gets outta hand," Lister shot back.

"No. No way. There is absolutely no way on Io I am going to let you bring that in here. Take it back to quarantine,"

"What? Now?"

"No next year- OF COURSE NOW! What, what are you laughing at?"

"Nothing, it just hilarious the way yer nostrils always flare when ya get angry!"

"Smeg off and take that back to quarantine milado!"

"But it's the middle of the night, Rimmer!"

"I don't care!"

"Oh come on. What 'arm's it gonna do in here?"

"More than you think!"

"Look I aint going all the way over to quarantine!"

"Well you aren't coming in here till you do,"

"I aint going Rimmer!"

"Well then you aren't coming in here either,"

"Get outta the smegging way Rimmer!"

It was late night. Rimmer and Lister were arguing over the orb once again. Lister wanted to bring the orb into their sleeping quarters; Rimmer was standing in the doorway in green silk pyjamas, blocking Lister from coming in.

"Hey is this gonna go on all night?" Cat came strutting along in a flashy red dressing gown, "I'm trying to take a nap!"

"It's not my fault," Lister replied, "Its Rimmer. He's being _a total_ _smeghead_. He won't let me in. It my sleeping quarters too Rimmer!"

"Look Goal Post Head, I'm not asking you to let him bring that thing in for me, I'm asking you to do it for the sake of my good looks. I'm wasting precious minutes of beauty sleep here!"

"So let me in, Rimmer, or I might think of… _Gazpacho Soup_…" Lister held up the orb.

For Rimmer, that was the final straw. He went back into the room in silence.

"Finally…" Lister followed him.

"Yeah," Cat said from the doorway, "Now I can finish my nap!" he stalked off down the corridor.

"Did ya really have to make all that fuss?" Lister chucked the orb up on to the top bunk and then jumped up himself.

"…" Rimmer did not reply. He just stood in the room, glaring angrily at the floor.

"Rimmer?"

Still no reply.

"Oh smeg, not this again!" Lister groaned, "How long are you gonna keep silent for this time Rimmer, two minutes?"

Rimmer grabbed the bed covers from his bunk and struggled to hold them.

Lister couldn't help laughing, "What the smeg are you doing?"

Rimmer didn't answer. Lister couldn't even see his face properly, just one eye glaring at him furiously, "Where are you goin'?"

Rimmer left the room.

"Oh…" Lister sighed and settled down on his bed, "It's too late at night for this- Lights,"

"It's true man, I swear!"

Cat looked back at Lister, his perfected eyebrows raised, "So you're telling me there were two women topless boxing in your sleeping quarters?"

"Yeah!"

"Well what did they look like, blonde? Brunette?"

"I- I don't know, I told ya, I only saw 'em for a minute!"

"Because they just disappeared?"

"Yeah! It was the orb! They were what I were dreaming of so the orb created them and they disappeared when I woke up!"

"So how come Satellite Dish Ears didn't see them? And don't tell me he was sleeping. Sleeping's as maybe bud but no one sleeps through topless women fighting in their sleeping quarters!"

"I know, I know. He weren't even _in_ the sleeping quarters. He moved next door last night,"

"Then can I move in with you? It sounds great!"

They were sitting in the upper storage decks, Cat listening to Lister's story. Lister was throwing the orb up into the air and catching it. He hadn't seen Rimmer all morning.

"Do it again!" Cat said, "In-fact, let me have a go!" he grabbed the orb from Lister before he had a chance to speak.

"Cat wait-"

However, the orb was already glowing. Cat stared at it.

Lister's mind was racing; what had Cat thought of? He cringed.

"Fish!"

"What?" Lister opened his eyes to find Cat tucking into a big plate of fish, "Fish?"

"Yeah!"

Lister grinned, shook his head and picked up the orb, "I'm gonna go look for Rimmer,"

Meanwhile, Rimmer was in the Drive room with Kryten and Holly.

"Now look," Rimmer said to Kryten, "I don't like you, you don't like me…" he waited for a reply, just in case Kryten said, 'actually sir, I think you're an alright kinda guy' well, in a more Kryteny sort of way- but he didn't, just nodded his head once.

"So why don't you like me?" Rimmer asked.

"Because he thinks you're a git," Lister leaned in the doorway, spinning the orb on one finger like a basketball, and then catching it.

Kryten grimaced.

Rimmer glared.

There was a pause.

Rimmer broke the silence, "Kryten, could you please tell Lister and his new found green pet to leave as we're trying to have a civilised conversation,"

To Be Continued…

**Author's Note:** What do you think? I've stopped here because I've got writer's block. To be honest, you're lucky it got this far because I'm always getting writer's block, but hopefully I'll write more soon… if you like it that is… please say you do! ;)


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